How Did You Get So Fat?

This is how I’m restarting my journey. I can’t walk yet because my hips hurt too much when I walk. I thought I’d strengthen myself by doing this for awhile until my muscles are back.

Today is the first day back on the weight-loss road.

Some goals I have:

1. When I lose 100 pounds I will go skydiving.

2. When I lose 50 pounds I will buy myself my own Wii (so I don’t have to share with the kids).

3. When I lose 25 pounds, I will buy a new item of clothing or a new purse.

4. When I lose 10 pounds I will rejoice by going to a movie.

5. When I lose 5 pounds I will buy a new book.

I know I probably need to have some consistent, doable reward for every five or ten pounds because I’m needy that way.

Any suggestions?

Bet you thought I died.

The last time I blogged here was July 2010.

And that’s when I got off the weight-loss wagon and spiraled out of control for the millionth time in my life.

At that point I had lost 65 pounds. 65 pounds had melted from my body but I had only dropped from a 30/32W to a 26/28W.

I got discouraged and I was hungry. I was tired of not having any tasty, creamy, chocolatey things to eat.

And so I gained back every pound. And I’m right back where I started nearly a year later.

I’m depressed and I acknowledge I have a food addiction and an eating disorder. I always have. Where it used to be bulimia and anorexia, I am now a compulsive over eater. I eat to comfort myself. I eat food to cope. I hide it and I hoard it. I eat alone when no one is looking. And it’s not so much the quantity of what I eat but the fact that I can’t leave sugar alone. It’s a horrible, horrible way to live. It controls me at this point in my life.

I do dare, however, to try again to overcome my addiction. My starting place is this blog. My induction date is Monday, May 23. I have an accountability partner and she is going to keep me accountable for what I eat and how I exercise.

Any advice? I’d love to have some encouragement because I am just so weak and scared.

Last night I had the most empowering dream. Ever.

I dreamed I was in a huge mall looking for a plus size evening gown. I know I had this dream because I am in high anxiety over what to wear to a mega event coming up for me in Sept. All the plus size gowns are exorbitant and I simply can’t afford them.

Anyway, I kept going into these stores that had gorgeous, just simply gorgeous, gowns. Finally, I spoke up at a last store.

“Why don’t you have plus sizes? Don’t you know that being fat isn’t a crime? Don’t you know that my plus size money spends just as good as size zero money?”  And I went into a pitch about how much I loved my curves and how there was a whole segment of society that could boost their sales, if they’d cater to them.

Anyway, I know that in my dream I was just repeating great things I’ve read from plus size people online. Noithing original.

But it felt great. And it still does.

I’ve lost 58 pounds!

I was so stuck for so long.

Finally the scale moved.

I’m so happeeeee!!!!

via files.easy-way-to-lose-weight.webnode.com

My current problem: finding a plus size evening gown that doesn’t make me look like a drag queen.

Any suggestions? I am on a limited budget and would like to find something around $100 or less.

I need it in Sept. so I am also considering having one made. It has to hide my flabby grandma arms. I am 50 years old. Yet, I don’t want one of those ugly mother-of-the-bride type dresses. You know the ones - with jackets? So it has to have some clever way to cover up my upper arms. Lower arms are fine.

Any suggestions?

via screamingqueens.com

karlaakins:

ilovefat:

sabotagethescene:

{ sadly, a lot of these are “legitimate” excuses made by actual people }

I hesitate to share my weight loss story because of my yo-yo life and the struggles I have with food. I’m scared I’ll jinx my progress. But here goes.

I have had an eating disorder since I was in high school. I have dieted since the age of 14. (I was a skinny kid until puberty hit. Plus, I was making homemade bread all summer the summer before my 9th grade year and put on 40 pounds then.)

I was anorexic and bulimic in college. I’m 5’7” and my lowest weight was 113. (Even then I had big thighs! Ha!)

As a young kid, the reason I was skinny was because we literally didn’t have enough to eat. The doctors tell me that because of this I have food anxiety/food disorder. Food is not something I have a healthy relationship with. I never have. But I’m getting there. I don’t like to cook (Sandy knows this) and I think that might be one reason why.

Since January, by the grace of God, I have lost 55 pounds. I have at least 100 to go just to be no longer classified as morbidly obese. Losing weight is hard, hard work. I have to make it my top priority in my mind to do it, because I’m a trance eater. What I mean is, it’s easy for me to just tune out/check out of life and eat.

I attend Celebrate Recovery classes at church and am going through the books again a second time. I love these classes because they help me recognize my issues with food. I eat to comfort myself. It’s my drug of choice of how to deal with life. It’s how I comfort myself and calm myself down. Well, I should say, it was.

Celebrate Recovery has helped me face my life and trust me, it’s been difficult. It’s not a magic bullet. It’s work. Hard work. Painful work.

And because I am no longer using food as anesthesia, I have had to face some real tough emotional issues regarding my life. Guess what? I’ve survived those confrontations. Before, I would just eat to avoid them. Now, I’m facing them. I do have the help of a counselor (he is such a huge blessing from God!) and he asks hard questions of me. But because I answer those hard questions instead of avoiding them and hiding behind food, I am becoming a better person, I think.

I also have an accountability partner. She is a younger, athletic, lean, trim girl. And she keeps me accountable for my exercise each week. I make myself exercise in some way at least three times a week. If I don’t tell her by 8 PM on my exercise days what I’ve done for that day, she posts a question on my Facebook wall. I don’t want her to do that, so trust me, I exercise! Having that accountability really, really helps. Because it’s so easy to talk myself out of exercising. I have never been athletic a day in my life. I have two left feet and no depth perception, so exercise is just the worst for me!

I will say I’ve been at the same weight now for about a month. I’m only losing about two pounds a week, but lately, I haven’t. So I know I’m going to have to step up my exercise program, because my eating is right. And that’s when I usually give up - when I hit that first plateau - but I so want to keep going this time. And I recognize that only the grace of God will get me there.

Aside from the psychological/spiritual side of my eating disorder, here are the practical things I’ve done so far.

I’ve cut out all processed foods, all white flour and all sugar. For the most part. I did allow myself a cupcake on my birthday and a Snickers bar the other day. But, I didn’t eat any other carbs that day to make up for it. I can’t do that everyday. That was the first time (May 19) I had sugar since January. Sugar is my trigger food. Anything with flour in it is a trigger food for me. I can easily binge on those things. So I never bring them in my house. Ever. It’s like cocaine for me, and I simply can’t be around it.

I come from a long line of alcoholics and drug addicts, so that addictive behavior is in my genes.

I also don’t eat rice or pasta or potatoes.

What I do eat: plenty of turkey, chicken and beef. (More chicken than anything else.) Tons of veggies (which trust me, have never been my favorite, but when you’re hungry, you eat them) and lots of fruit. I don’t count my fruit and I don’t count my veggies. If I’m hungry, that’s what I eat.

What I do keep close track of is my dairy. I love dairy. It doesn’t love me so much, though. My digestive system gets plugged up. But I do love it. I do eat one yogurt everyday for breakfast or a snack.

I bought a Ninja blender and that thing has already paid for itself. I make shakes with frozen strawberries, yogurt, a wee bit of milk and stevia. The kids love them. I love them. I don’t miss the ice cream like I used to.

So, there you have it. I am on medication that makes weight loss very difficult. But because I am vigilant about my no flour rule (I do eat oatmeal bread now and then, and I do eat whole grain tortilla chips but I have to be careful because I can binge on those), I am slowly, slowly losing weight.

Now to just get over this hump. Please God, by your grace, let me get over it!

via www.njweightdoctor.com